But it was wondering what to do in concrete terms . I was looking for another way. I thought I had found an answer in Italy with Friar Carlo Carretto, a Gospel brother. As one of Pauk VI' close friends, he had been in charge with the youngsters Catholic Action for more twenty years . Once he was ordained deacon and back in Umbria after several stays in the Sahara : he was the prestigious leader of a spiritual movement in which I took part . He had turned small disused sheds into hermitages. He put them at the disposal for retreated people, they were thousands a year. We studied the Bible, we took into farm work, we worshipped the explained holy Sacrament. Our stays lasted several weeks. It was an hermit 's life.

I was so enthusiastic that I trully wanted to live there for the rest of my life. The property manager of Foligno diocese put at at my disposal a disused presbytery in the mountains. Seventy peasants families lived there with me. I was very soon approached to "lead" this parish. The serving priest came briefly on sundays : he couldn't teach catechism, pay a visit to old people and look after the parish premises.

The Parish of Collelungo.

For more than a year, things were going so well that the bishop came to entrust me with "the exceptional Eucharist ministry.". In front of the parish, according to a solemn ritual, he allowed me to open the tabernacle, to receive the communinon myself, and to give communion to the faithful while the priest is away.
This ministy had been "instored" by Paul VI to compensate for the absence of "ordinary" clergymen" , priests and deacons in many parishes.
(Cf the roman text: "Immensae caritatis". 1973.) Some canonists as father Passicos (Dean of the University of canonical law in Paris greeted "the creation of a real official service for laymen." The one who was invested with it, was for life.

Reversal of the Vatican Policy ? Texts inaccuracy ? The bishop asked me to leave the village despite the parishioners violent opposition and the advertising attached to this investiture in the diocesan press which ran as a headline: "To a woman, the responsibility of a christian community". The prelate had, however, specified that he was satisfied with my services.
The woman was allowed no access to any type of official "ministry" de facto. In 1974 , Paris International Congress about female diaconate, where I met cardinal Conger for the first time,revealed to me the question extent. The solution had to be found to allow a woman to exercise in a permanent basis a ministry for the Church. She was allowed to give a hand temporarily and not ritualistic. All this had to be improved. My vocation was here. Trough my searches I discovered then the ancient diaconesses in the Orient Churcmh. Why wouldn't restore them ?
Three months before she died, I paid a visit to Marthe Robin and told her about my plans : "Deaconesses ? Yes, of course, especially now, that the number of priests is decreasing" A totally peremptory answer from this mystic woman with a well known prophetic charisma. She urged me to write a book.
It was published in 1987 by Beauchesne: "Women deaconsf, a new path for the Church" Cardinal Congar had delivered the "nihil obstat". He had supervised the manuscript to the sligty details. He had a passion for this subject for he had dealt with it many times in his works. His personal theology always made him look for new tracks for the present Church in its most ancient foundations. He believed in the restoration of this ancient order.
In the philosophical and theological sciences magazine, he concluded my book inventory in these words : "A beautiful book , as reasonable and serious as new and turned towards the future."

We can see on the left of cover, saint Olympias, the most famous oriental deaconess; and on the right, a martyr, saint Eupraxie. We can see that they are wearing a stole. this book is no longer to be found in book shops but I hold it in trust and sell it on demand.)
This book I sent to the mains episcopal conferences in the world made a great to-do at the international synod of 1987 about the role played by the laymen in the present Church."Never was the female deaconery so much talked about : this has become irreversible for the Church" asserted cardinal Etchegaray, who was warmly supporting me. "We mention but your book in Rome ,phoned me Henri Tincq , the religious columnist at the "The Monde". Several prelates had assured me of his interest for my researches. (This book was given again as a reference in 1995 the survey by the American Society of Canon Right.)
But nothing was decided by the synod. He eluded the question and this was a great ordeal for me. Cardinal Hamer, who was then the president of the Congregation for Religious orders, advised me to create a secular Institute which would be given an "official mission by the Church." He had understood how essential it was to make the woman's duty official but his idea of a secular institute did not suit me. Indeed, secular Institute have to work as discreetly as the leaven in the pastry when in fact, a deaconess, especially concerning liturgical works, should appear publicly to the christian community as a symbol of the women's vocation in the Church, next to men.
At that time , my mother was completely paralyzed. We used to live together and I took care of her as I hadn't found any specialized institution . It lasted 15 years and jeopardized my foundation project.
Nevertheless, I was in charge with several social activities., courts and soup kitchen. But I still couldn't consider creating my basic project
That's why I ended with offering my services to a bishop in a poor diocese in the South of France ; my former experience in Italy had made me aware of the distress of rural parishes ant I still felt strongly attracted by a contemplative life in a rural area.
I was hired as the assistant of the priest in charge with the catechetics in the diocese . My activities were heavy there : catechism classes in my area, catechists training to new educational methods, creation and management of a diocean newspaper for them etc…
I signed for a fixed-term contract and the bishop gave me a mission letter but it did not mention any duration for it. I suffered from this vagueness because my mother was with me and I couldn’t easily imagine moving again Moreover, what would be my financial situation in case of a breach ? Nevertheless my contract became open-ended and I felt for a while completely involved in a vocation that I longed looked for, serving the Church and being spiritually linked to a bishop.
But difficulties suddenly appeared concerning the content of my contract and, in my situation, I preferred to retire. The mission letter being linked to the contract, was it lapsing too ? It was never mentioned again and this shattered me as I thought that the Church would get invested as much as myself in this adventure. Again, I no longer had any spiritual identity . I understood-but it was too late- that this mission letter conferred to me no state of life.

In the following months, I took part with a great pleasure to a radio programme on France Culture with Mr Olivier Clement, a well-known orthodox theologist, who told me that he "had enjoyed my book very much." He confirmed what I had noticed throughout my researches : Orthodox Churches were willing to restore ancient deaconesses. I was also invited as a specialist to a congress about diaconates in Louvain . This subject still interested people but no concrete solutions were settled.
I stopped teaching catechism but I got invested in the life of a home for homeless people and in a local Amnesty Internationl group. Painting filled me with joy like the praises to God and writing icons reinforced my attachment to the Church Oriental past.